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When depression spoils the dream

First published on Parent24.com:

Trying to keep it all together led this stay-at-home mom of 3 to an emotional crash.

For the last 2 years I’ve been a stay-at-home mom (SAHM). Financially we’re coping well although we did cut down on certain luxuries. I’ve got help in the house and in the garden. I’ve got freelance projects that keep me busy while the kids are in school.

I’m there to pick up my kids and spend the afternoon with them. And this is the dream life that most working moms crave today.

Except that I wasn’t happy. I found myself resenting the things I had to do. Making dinner was the ultimate hate job. Dinner turned into whatever was the easiest to accomplish in the least amount of time.

My kids suffered from neglect and my irritability. The moment I didn’t have to do anything for them I would carry on doing whatever I was busy with on my laptop. Or I would hide behind my book in the evening and let my husband take over the parenting duties while I would just ignore them. At the same time feeling crippling guilt about what a terrible mother I am.

And then I crashed. I wasn’t coping anymore and I didn’t know why. Diagnosed with Atypical Depression, I finally understand why the dream life was my hell. Although I’ve had depression episodes since my teenage years, I never realised that the craving I had for company wasn’t just because I was a social creature.

Faces of atypical depression

According to Psychology Today, atypical depression may manifest itself in a variety of symptoms.

•    feeling better in response to good things, eg. after receiving good news or being with
friends, but this is only temporary.
•    increased appetite and weight gain, through regular overeating and often binging
•    sleeping excessively
•    feeling heavy in the arms and legs, including overwhelming fatigue
•    sensitivity to rejection. I still get panic attacks at the thought of a job interview or
people accepting me in a professional manner.

Isolated at home

The reality of a stay-at-home mom was part of the reason for my severe depression. With the current economic conditions, most women work, so the SAHM is in effect isolated most of the time. My social interactions were limited to talking to a few moms during drop-off in the morning, at pickup in the afternoon and the rugby practice get-togethers twice a week.

Each weekend my husband would be tired and fed up with a 4-hour commute every day, so his ideal weekend was to stay at home and rest. While I just wanted to get out and visit friends and family.

For the SAHM there are no colleagues that you can chat to during mid morning coffee break or in open plan offices while you’re working. I used to work in a national company where I was interacting with people from countrywide offices on a daily basis. Now I was stuck at home, with retail therapy only a very rare option. My closest SAHM friend lives 10km from me, making a quick visit a planned action and online friendships only take you so far.

No, I won’t be changing my SAHM status, because it still is the best thing for my kids. Being a SAHM isn’t the cause of my depression, only the final straw that broke the camel’s back.

However, with my husband’s help I’m implementing other lifestyle changes. Nurturing supportive friendships, therapy, exercise, healthy eating plus certain supplements, getting involved in charity work that will let me be surrounded by people on a more regular basis and knowing when to admit that I need more help in the form of antidepressants. I owe this to myself and my family.

Dumb TV, dumb children?

First published on Parent24.com:

Dumb TV, dumb children?

Why do kids shows have to be so mean, asks this mom of 3.

My children are the youth of tomorrow, so I read the article by Rhoda Kadalie (The dumbing down of our youth) with shock, horror and interest. Although her stance squarely blames the post-apartheid regime for the atrocious drop out rate of high school pupils and university students, I believe that we parents also need to take a look at our favourite babysitter.

Peter Gabriel once said it so well: ‘Just sometimes, you think about our composition, what we’re made up of. It used to be said, that we are what we eat. And then the people, they’d be a little more fashion conscious, would say, no you are what you wear. Or you are what you read, but we would say in this millennium, you are what you watch.’

This rang true for me. I’ve always been fairly lenient in what I’ve let my kids watch. Barney has been a huge favourite in our house for almost 6 years now. There are a lot of Barney haters out there, but I’ve found the values and songs informative and fun.

Although the older kids have moved on to Ben10 and Bakugan, Barney still gets a lot of attention from the little one. We own almost every Disney movie ever brought out on DVD, including some of the old classics that I used to watch as a kid. The Secret of N.I.M.H is still one of my favourite movies of all time.

Every now and then I’d come across a kids show that I would refuse to let my kids watch. Teletubbies ranked number 1 on that list. For me one of the criteria for a kids show was something that I could watch with my child and also enjoy. Believe me there is absolutely no fun in watching Teletubies. I don’t believe that kiddie shows have to be educational, but I also don’t want the show to only teach my child ‘lala’ or ‘po’.

Included in this lot are most of the new locally produced Afrikaans kids shows. For some reason it seems as if the producers think that kids need to be talked down to. Boy, are they wrong!

No red demons for us

Another one of my criteria is that it has to be wholesome. Scratch Cow and Chicken. For me the idea of a red demon being the instigator/protagonist for most of the episodes was firmly set against my beliefs. Unfortunately the same applies to quite a few other shows. Ed, Edd and Eddy promoting bullying, the violence in Power Puff Girls and the absolute stupidity of George in the Jungle. The movie is a firm favourite in our house, but the animation show is horrifying. George is a complete moron that doesn’t know how to scratch his own head.

That seems to be a firm favourite of the animation shows these days. Someone has to be stupid, be done in, made fun of or embarrassed for the show to be considered a success. Why do we need all this meanness?

There’s no more TV in our house. The money saved goes towards the DVDs that we buy. No more dumbing down, no more unacceptable values taught, plus the series we do let them watch, like Fosters home for imaginary pets are all available on DVD.

Is your phone revealing too much?

First published on Parent24.com:

Is your phone revealing too much?

Could geotagging be telling the world too much about your child?

I’ve been drooling about the thought of the new Samsung smartphone, mostly because it has a built in application for reading ebooks. It’s also got all the other bells and whistles, including the GPS and camera.

Then I came across this article in the New York Times: Web photos that reveal secrets, like where you live. This was the first time I had heard of geotagging.

So what is geotagging?

All files have some data hidden inside the file. Most of it has to do with what type of file it is, what program was used to create it and who is the author.

In the case of image files, the hidden information that can be stored is extensive. The camera can record the settings, the photographer and also the location. Adding the location, or geotagging, automatically is at the moment confined to smartphones and the higher scale digital SLR cameras.

Want to know what info you’re sharing on the web? Right click on your image file, go to properties and click on the details tab. Scroll down and see what info is imbedded in your image.

Why is it dangerous?

The danger in geotagging lies in whether you are aware of it or not. Take a picture of your child’s outfit for the day in front of the school with your smartphone and load it directly on to your blog, Twitter or Facebook. If your geotagging wasn’t disabled you’ve just told everyone exactly where your kid goes to school.

Does this really work?

I’m fairly sceptical about doom and gloom type stuff, so I did a little test of my own. It took me roughly 10 minutes to google and install an extension to my web browser that easily allowed me to read ‘exif’ data – the part of the image file that contained the hidden information.

Next I tried four of my fellow mommy bloggers to see if I could get any info out of their images. I didn’t manage to find their addresses, but I did find out that one had used a Blackberry 9700 to take the pictures. Some of the images were stripped of the ‘exif’ data, others had just basic info available. But I only tried four.

Gerald Friedland and Robin Sommer researched the availability of location information imbedded in photos. Their findings showed that although less than 5% of the images and videos they sampled contained locations, the information was available. It was also very accurate.Their test showed the location within 1m.

How do I stop sharing my location?

This is the easy part. You can either disable the geotagging function on your smartphone or you can strip the information from the file after you’ve downloaded the file to your computer.

To disable the function on your phone you can have a look at the following website that has step-by-step instructions for some of the popular smartphones or you can contact the manufacturer of your phone.

If you prefer to strip the information from the file after you’ve downloaded you have two choices. You can download and buy an application like ‘ExifCleaner‘ that allows you to clean many files at once, or you can do it one-by-one with Windows Explorer. Right click on the image file, go to properties and click on the details tab. You’ll see a link at the bottom that reads ‘Remove Properties and Personal Information’. This will open a new window where you can follow the prompts to remove the information you don’t want to share.

Night terrors

First published on Parent24.com:

Night terrors

Screams during the night sent this mom on a quest for some answers.

Last night about a minute after getting into bed, Tioné started screaming. I’ve learned not to touch her during these attacks, since it only aggravates the situation. Night terrors have started up again in our house.

It was a quick session last night, but with my middle son Tristan it used to be a marathon session of 30 minutes.

The first time it happened was with oldest brother Rivan. I felt so useless when he suddenly started screaming during the night. Comforting him didn’t help at all. He’d just carry on screaming. After what felt like a lifetime, but was probably only 10 minutes, he would just stop screaming and fall asleep as if nothing happened. None of them have ever shown that they remember the night terror the next morning.

After doing research it turns out that I am the reason all my kids went through a phase of night terrors. No it’s not because I’m a terrible mother. Predisposition for Night terrors tends to run in families and have been linked to sleep walking.

What are night terrors?

First of all, it’s not a nightmare. Dreams and nightmares take place during REM (Rapid Eye Movement) sleep which is why REM sleep is known as dream sleep. Night terrors take place during the 4th stage of Non REM sleep or deep sleep.

Typically your child will do a combination of these:
•    whimper, scream or shout
•    sit up in bed
•    be unresponsive and confused
•    kick, flail and thrash
•    sweat, breath heavily, have a rapid pulse
•    although their eyes may be open, they won’t be awake and will be difficult to wake
•    get out of bed
•    stare wide-eyed

What causes it?

These factors have been shown to contribute to night terrors.
•    Overtiredness
•    Stress
•    Anxiety
•    Fever
•    Sleeping in unfamiliar surroundings

What can I do to help my child?

Night terrors are more frightening to the parents than the child. During an attack there isn’t much you can do. You can try to comfort your child, but since they are not aware of your presence, it might not make any difference. If they do get out of bed, try to keep them from hurting themselves. Don’t restrain your child as this can make things worse.

As a preventative measure you can ensure that your child gets enough sleep. Also implement a quiet ritual before bed time, like bathing and reading a story. If your child does get out of bed, make his sleeping environment as safe as possible. Watch out for power cables on the floor that can trip them and if necessary close off part of the house so that they won’t be able to hurt themselves.

Night terrors usually occur in the early part of the night. Should it happen frequently, you can wake your child about an hour after they have gone to sleep or about 15 minutes before the attacks usually occur. Interrupting the sleep pattern can help prevent it. Keep him awake for 5 minutes and then let him go back to sleep. Do this for a week.

If the night terrors are very bad, you can consult your paediatrician for medical advice. Try to keep a sleep diary for two weeks before the doctor’s visit. Make note of bedtime rituals, behaviour patterns like food consumption and medication taken. Also write down all the questions you have for the doctor.

How long is this going to last?

Night terrors can start as young as 9 months and usually disappears before adolescence. Very few adults suffer from night terrors. In my experience it would happen frequently in the beginning and then have longer periods between attacks until they disappear. This usually happens over a period of a few weeks.

Remember that although it can be very upsetting, night terrors are not serious and will usually go away by themselves.

10 Cheap holiday activities

Run out of holiday activities? Here are 10 great ways to keep your kids occupied this holiday.

Article originally in Parent24

If you’re like me, the thought of all that school-free time during December and January is intimidating. Keeping the kids busy can be exhausting, nerve wracking and hugely expensive. It might be early days, but I’ve already started scouring the internet for ideas to keep them busy without spending a fortune.

1. Let the kids make Christmas decorations

Use old Christmas decorations and give them a facelift. Paint the old decorations black or white and let the kids decorate them with glitter or fingerprints in coloured paints. If you don’t have old decorations why not let them help you collect seedpods, cones, etc and do the same. Glitter and glue sets can be found for only R15.

2. A picnic day

Depending on your child’s age, let them help you make snacks for a picnic. Then take them to the park, back garden (or living room). Spread out the snacks on a blanket and enjoy:

•    Rainbow sandwiches made with cheese spread and food colouring
•    Make a tower sandwich with different colours for each level and cut in thin strips.
•    my kids will do absolutely anything for cherry tomatoes
•    cut viennas into shorter pieces
•    even little ones can help by picking the grapes loose
•    make home-made lemonade with lemon juice, sugar and water, or ice tea with rooibos tea, lemon juice and sugar
•    feeling industrious? You can bake cookies, most kids love to help,
•    Try these no-bake granola bars. http://backtothecuttingboard.com/dessert/no-bake-chewy-granola-bars/

3. Play dates

Arrange fun play dates with friends. Someone else’s house is an adventure for kids missing their friends during school holidays. It also gives the moms a chance to recuperate with tea and good conversation. Remember to set up a schedule with moms before the holidays, giving you time to plan around them.

Don’t feel like entertaining at home? Why not arrange your play date at a venue like the tea garden of a local nursery or park? Some nurseries like Safari Garden Centre in Pretoria East have dedicated play areas for children.

4. Sidewalk artists

Try this brilliant recipe for sidewalk paint made with water, cornstarch and food colour. Make up several colours and, when they’re done, just wash it off with the hosepipe.

Do an artist day with sheets of paper. Just add crayons, watercolours, coloured pens or glitter & glue. If you’re feeling adventurous, why not try this easy recipe for puffy paint.

5. Fun in the sun

South Africa has great weather, so take the kids to the swimming pool or beach. We have a wading pool in our local park. You should be able to find an affordable local swimming pool. Just remember water safety and sun-block. Can’t find a suitable pool? Try a water war. Buckets of water and a few sponges or old squirt bottles in the back garden can be just as much fun.

6. Home-made presents

Help your kids to make presents for family members like these bath fizzies for mom, grannies and aunts or decorate smooth rocks to make paper weights like pen art pebbles or paint them, glitter them, make funky animals out of them for dad, grandpa and uncles.

Hand-made picture frames with a picture of themselves are also very good gifts to make. Decorate them with shells, sand, paint, magazine/newspaper print, etc. Hand and footprint art with the date are great ideas, too.

7. Build a fort

Not often allowed, but lots of fun for the kids: Take the furniture cushions and a lot of blankets and build a fort in the house. The kids will have loads of fun building and then playing in it. The hard part is making them put it all away.

8. Theatre day

Help the kids to make puppets and a stage. Let them put on a play.

Here are some very nice ideas for puppets:
•    use those leftover single socks to make sock puppets, just add felt tongues and eyes
•    make paper bag puppets and decorate with coloured paper
•    for a small stage, stick puppets are ideal, draw figures on paper, cut out and glue to a sosatie stick
•    use pipe cleaners with two balls at each end, decorate the balls like eyes and add feathers at the back for eyebrows, now put the pipe cleaner between your fingers so that the eyes are on top of the hand and use your fingers as the mouth.

The stage can be made from an old box or be as simple as a broom with a linen sheet draped over it between two couches.

9. The museum circuit

We’ve had great fun at some of the museums. For instance the National Museum of Natural History in Pretoria CBD is fascinating for kids with their displays of birds, dinosaurs and other living things. I never knew a moose could be that big! Plus the entrance fees are very affordable, and kids under the age of three go in for free. Research the museums in your area for fun places to visit.

Another firm favourite is the Zoo. We try to go there at least once a year. The entrance fee is reasonable, and we always pack a picnic basket to take along. Baby strollers are wonderful accessories- Not only can you push a tired child, but most of them have storage space for the picnic hamper as well.

10. Movies

Going to the movies gets very expensive when you have a lot of kids, but you don’t have to pay a fortune: Rent a DVD and do the movies at home. Remember to hang blankets in front of the windows and have the snacks like popcorn and sweeties handy.

Do you have fun ideas for the holiday?

When depression spoils the dream

Dumb TV, dumb children?

Is your phone revealing too much?

Night terrors

10 Cheap holiday activities

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