When depression spoils the dream

First published on Parent24.com:

When depression spoils the dream

Trying to keep it all together led this stay-at-home mom of 3 to an emotional crash.

For the last 2 years I’ve been a stay-at-home mom (SAHM). Financially we’re coping well although we did cut down on certain luxuries. I’ve got help in the house and in the garden. I’ve got freelance projects that keep me busy while the kids are in school.

I’m there to pick up my kids and spend the afternoon with them.  And this is the dream life that most working moms crave today.

Except that I wasn’t happy. I found myself resenting the things I had to do.  Making dinner was the ultimate hate job. Dinner turned into whatever was the easiest to accomplish in the least amount of time.

My kids suffered from neglect and my irritability. The moment I didn’t have to do anything for them I would carry on doing whatever I was busy with on my laptop. Or I would hide behind my book in the evening and let my husband take over the parenting duties while I would just ignore them. At the same time feeling crippling guilt about what a terrible mother I am.

And then I crashed. I wasn’t coping anymore and I didn’t know why. Diagnosed with Atypical Depression, I finally understand why the dream life was my hell. Although I’ve had depression episodes since my teenage years, I never realised that the craving I had for company wasn’t just because I was a social creature.

Faces of atypical depression

According to Psychology Today, atypical depression may manifest itself in a variety of symptoms.

•    feeling better in response to good things, eg. after receiving good news or being with
friends, but this is only temporary.
•    increased appetite and weight gain, through regular overeating and often binging
•    sleeping excessively
•    feeling heavy in the arms and legs, including overwhelming fatigue
•    sensitivity to rejection. I still get panic attacks at the thought of a job interview or
people accepting me in a professional manner.

Isolated at home

The reality of a stay-at-home mom was part of the reason for my severe depression. With the current economic conditions, most women work, so the SAHM is in effect isolated most of the time.  My social interactions were limited to talking to a few moms during drop-off in the morning, at pickup in the afternoon and the rugby practice get-togethers twice a week.

Each weekend my husband would be tired and fed up with a 4-hour commute every day, so his ideal weekend was to stay at home and rest.  While I just wanted to get out and visit friends and family.

For the SAHM there are no colleagues that you can chat to during mid morning coffee break or in open plan offices while you’re working.  I used to work in a national company where I was interacting with people from countrywide offices on a daily basis.  Now I was stuck at home, with retail therapy only a very rare option.  My closest SAHM friend lives 10km from me, making a quick visit a planned action and online friendships only take you so far.

No, I won’t be changing my SAHM status, because it still is the best thing for my kids.  Being a SAHM isn’t the cause of my depression, only the final straw that broke the camel’s back.

However, with my husband’s help I’m implementing other lifestyle changes.  Nurturing supportive friendships, therapy, exercise, healthy eating plus certain supplements, getting involved in charity work that will let me be surrounded by people on a more regular basis and knowing when to admit that I need more help in the form of antidepressants. I owe this to myself and my family.

December 19, 2011 | Posted in: Articles, Writing | No Comments »

Dumb TV, dumb children?

First published on Parent24.com:

Dumb TV, dumb children?

Why do kids shows have to be so mean, asks this mom of 3.

My children are the youth of tomorrow, so I read the article by Rhoda Kadalie (The dumbing down of our youth) with shock, horror and interest. Although her stance squarely blames the post-apartheid regime for the atrocious drop out rate of high school pupils and university students, I believe that we parents also need to take a look at our favourite babysitter.

Peter Gabriel once said it so well: ‘Just sometimes, you think about our composition, what we’re made up of. It used to be said, that we are what we eat. And then the people, they’d be a little more fashion conscious, would say, no you are what you wear. Or you are what you read, but we would say in this millennium, you are what you watch.’

This rang true for me. I’ve always been fairly lenient in what I’ve let my kids watch.  Barney has been a huge favourite in our house for almost 6 years now.  There are a lot of Barney haters out there, but I’ve found the values and songs informative and fun.

Although the older kids have moved on to Ben10 and Bakugan, Barney still gets a lot of attention from the little one. We own almost every Disney movie ever brought out on DVD, including some of the old classics that I used to watch as a kid.  The Secret of N.I.M.H is still one of my favourite movies of all time.

Every now and then I’d come across a kids show that I would refuse to let my kids watch.  Teletubbies ranked number 1 on that list.  For me one of the criteria for a kids show was something that I could watch with my child and also enjoy. Believe me there is absolutely no fun in watching Teletubies.  I don’t believe that kiddie shows have to be educational, but I also don’t want the show to only teach my child ‘lala’ or ‘po’.

Included in this lot are most of the new locally produced Afrikaans kids shows. For some reason it seems as if the producers think that kids need to be talked down to. Boy, are they wrong!

No red demons for us

Another one of my criteria is that it has to be wholesome. Scratch Cow and Chicken. For me the idea of a red demon being the instigator/protagonist for most of the episodes was firmly set against my beliefs.  Unfortunately the same applies to quite a few other shows. Ed, Edd and Eddy promoting bullying, the violence in Power Puff Girls and the absolute stupidity of George in the Jungle.  The movie is a firm favourite in our house, but the animation show is horrifying.  George is a complete moron that doesn’t know how to scratch his own head.

That seems to be a firm favourite of the animation shows these days.  Someone has to be stupid, be done in, made fun of or embarrassed for the show to be considered a success.  Why do we need all this meanness?

There’s no more TV in our house.  The money saved goes towards the DVDs that we buy.  No more dumbing down, no more unacceptable values taught, plus the series we do let them watch, like Fosters home for imaginary pets are all available on DVD.

December 16, 2011 | Posted in: Articles, Writing | No Comments »

Is your phone revealing too much?

First published on Parent24.com:

Is your phone revealing too much?

Could geotagging be telling the world too much about your child?

I’ve been drooling about the thought of the new Samsung smartphone, mostly because it has a built in application for reading ebooks. It’s also got all the other bells and whistles, including the GPS and camera.

Then I came across this article in the New York Times: Web photos that reveal secrets, like where you live. This was the first time I had heard of geotagging.

So what is geotagging?

All files have some data hidden inside the file. Most of it has to do with what type of file it is, what program was used to create it and who is the author.

In the case of image files, the hidden information that can be stored is extensive. The camera can record the settings, the photographer and also the location. Adding the location, or geotagging, automatically is at the moment confined to smartphones and the higher scale digital SLR cameras.

Want to know what info you’re sharing on the web? Right click on your image file, go to properties and click on the details tab. Scroll down and see what info is imbedded in your image.

Why is it dangerous?

The danger in geotagging lies in whether you are aware of it or not. Take a picture of your child’s outfit for the day in front of the school with your smartphone and load it directly on to your blog, Twitter or Facebook. If your geotagging wasn’t disabled you’ve just told everyone exactly where your kid goes to school.

Does this really work?

I’m fairly sceptical about doom and gloom type stuff, so I did a little test of my own. It took me roughly 10 minutes to google and install an extension to my web browser that easily allowed me to read ‘exif’ data – the part of the image file that contained the hidden information.

Next I tried four of my fellow mommy bloggers to see if I could get any info out of their images. I didn’t manage to find their addresses, but I did find out that one had used a Blackberry 9700 to take the pictures. Some of the images were stripped of the ‘exif’ data, others had just basic info available. But I only tried four.

Gerald Friedland and Robin Sommer researched the availability of location information imbedded in photos. Their findings showed that although less than 5% of the images and videos they sampled contained locations, the information was available. It was also very accurate.Their test showed the location within 1m.

How do I stop sharing my location?

This is the easy part. You can either disable the geotagging function on your smartphone or you can strip the information from the file after you’ve downloaded the file to your computer.

To disable the function on your phone you can have a look at the following website that has step-by-step instructions for some of the popular smartphones or you can contact the manufacturer of your phone.

If you prefer to strip the information from the file after you’ve downloaded you have two choices.  You can download and buy an application like ‘ExifCleaner‘ that allows you to clean many files at once, or you can do it one-by-one with Windows Explorer. Right click on the image file, go to properties and click on the details tab. You’ll see a link at the bottom that reads ‘Remove Properties and Personal Information’. This will open a new window where you can follow the prompts to remove the information you don’t want to share.

December 14, 2011 | Posted in: Articles, Writing | No Comments »

Night terrors

First published on Parent24.com:

Night terrors

Screams during the night sent this mom on a quest for some answers.

Last night about a minute after getting into bed, Tioné started screaming.  I’ve learned not to touch her during these attacks, since it only aggravates the situation. Night terrors have started up again in our house.

It was a quick session last night, but with my middle son Tristan it used to be a marathon session of 30 minutes.

The first time it happened was with oldest brother Rivan. I felt so useless when he suddenly started screaming during the night. Comforting him didn’t help at all.  He’d just carry on screaming.  After what felt like a lifetime, but was probably only 10 minutes, he would just stop screaming and fall asleep as if nothing happened. None of them have ever shown that they remember the night terror the next morning.

After doing research it turns out that I am the reason all my kids went through a phase of night terrors.  No it’s not because I’m a terrible mother. Predisposition for Night terrors tends to run in families and have been linked to sleep walking.

What are night terrors?

First of all, it’s not a nightmare. Dreams and nightmares take place during REM (Rapid Eye Movement) sleep which is why REM sleep is known as dream sleep.  Night terrors take place during the 4th stage of Non REM sleep or deep sleep.

Typically your child will do a combination of these:
•    whimper, scream or shout
•    sit up in bed
•    be unresponsive and confused
•    kick, flail and thrash
•    sweat, breath heavily, have a rapid pulse
•    although their eyes may be open, they won’t be awake and will be difficult to wake
•    get out of bed
•    stare wide-eyed

What causes it?

These factors have been shown to contribute to night terrors.
•    Overtiredness
•    Stress
•    Anxiety
•    Fever
•    Sleeping in unfamiliar surroundings

What can I do to help my child?

Night terrors are more frightening to the parents than the child. During an attack there isn’t much you can do. You can try to comfort your child, but since they are not aware of your presence, it might not make any difference. If they do get out of bed, try to keep them from hurting themselves. Don’t restrain your child as this can make things worse.

As a preventative measure you can ensure that your child gets enough sleep.  Also implement a quiet ritual before bed time, like bathing and reading a story. If your child does get out of bed, make his sleeping environment as safe as possible. Watch out for power cables on the floor that can trip them and if necessary close off part of the house so that they won’t be able to hurt themselves.

Night terrors usually occur in the early part of the night.  Should it happen frequently, you can wake your child about an hour after they have gone to sleep or about 15 minutes before the attacks usually occur. Interrupting the sleep pattern can help prevent it.  Keep him awake for 5 minutes and then let him go back to sleep.  Do this for a week.

If the night terrors are very bad, you can consult your paediatrician for medical advice.  Try to keep a sleep diary for two weeks before the doctor’s visit.  Make note of bedtime rituals, behaviour patterns like food consumption and medication taken.  Also write down all the questions you have for the doctor.

How long is this going to last?

Night terrors can start as young as 9 months and usually disappears before adolescence. Very few adults suffer from night terrors. In my experience it would happen frequently in the beginning and then have longer periods between attacks until they disappear. This usually happens over a period of a few weeks.

Remember that although it can be very upsetting, night terrors are not serious and will usually go away by themselves.

December 12, 2011 | Posted in: Articles, Writing | No Comments »

Perspective and Empathy?

A little while ago Backwoods Mom did a post on Perspective, I can’t find the post anymore, but this is more or less what it was about:

She gave an example of 5 facebook status updates she read that morning and what one would say to the other regarding their updates. How the one would prefer the other’s moan because they had something worse off. That with the right perspective sometimes our complaints are negligible compared to what could have been our lot.

I understand completely what she was trying to say. Very often we complain about the little nitty-gritty things in life and are not grateful for the fact that we have something easy to complain about. You could say we are complaining with a silver spoon in the mouth. However, one of the ladies that commented on her post had a very valid point. She said that if we try to always repress the daily frustrations in our life because it could have been worse, we are setting ourselves up for a mental breakdown. We need the act of venting and complaining to blow off steam, to get it off our chest and to let the frustrations out. By trying to be always grateful we are in fact putting a stopper in a pressure cooker. We need that outlet.

Yes, we could and should be more grateful in life, but it mustn’t happen to the exclusion of all else. Leave us the venting outlet.

Something I’ve noticed a lot since I’ve become more involved in online communities are the way people respond to each other. The fact that people are semi or completely anonymous seems to bring out the worst in people. Known as trolls, some people are even out and out looking for people to belittle, bad mouth and just be mean to. To see a very apt example, just check out any News24 article. The trolls love to hang out there.

There is only one community that I have found that are supportive, nice and considerate at all times and that is at Parent24 where my mommy blog is.  Trolls don’t seem to find our mommy (and daddy) blogs very interesting.

With all of this in mind, today I did something stupid. One of my facebook friends I know only online. She’s a new mom, with a tiny little baby. This morning she vented on facebook about missing sleep. A lady commented in a mean spirited way, about how she should be grateful that she has a healthy child. This just rubbed me up the wrong way. And that was when I did the stupid thing. I commented on this lady’s comment in a sarcastic/wake-up-and-stop-being-nasty way. A third lady took exception to what I said and gave me a tongue lashing. Still upset, instead of practicing the art of just-shut-up, I replied. After another heated reply from the third lady, I realised that what I was doing was wrong. Nothing gave me the right to pick fights with someone else’s friends. I deleted my comments and sent a message to my friend to say sorry for what I did. I’ve also told her that I would understand completely if she unfriended me, which by the way I hope she doesn’t do, but it would be fair and completely within her right. I was out of line.

What really bugged me was that the lady with the sick child was being mean to someone, just because she felt that my friend was being ungrateful. This upset me. Why do we have to be mean to each other? Why do we lash out? And then I went and did the same thing…

Instead of trying to make others feel gratitude, which doesn’t happen when you make a comment like that, why not try a bit of empathy for the other person.  Why not say? Yes, it’s terrible when you have your first baby to get used to being awake half the night. While you’re up please think of my little one in hospital. Or I’m sorry your child is sick, but don’t you think you could have been less harsh in your comment?

That was my fail today. I didn’t empathise with the lady with the sick child. I was wrong.

We should be more grateful in our lives, but we cannot force someone else to feel gratitude.  What we can do is empathise with them and always think twice (in my case 10 times) before saying something you’ll regret.

December 11, 2011 | Posted in: Everything else | No Comments »